Monday, April 09, 2007

When Gummi Bears Go Terribly Wrong

Trust me, I've had enough gummi bears to know. Occasionally there is a mutant in the bag.
For a long time, I was saving a yellow lemon bear with a stunning red streak inside it. I wanted to take a picture, but I didn't get around to it, and eventually the bear turned opaque, crystallized when all its hideous sugars and high-fructose corn syrup were oxidized by the air.
Well, I went off gummi bears for seven whole days while I experienced a restricted diet last week, and it only took me — um — is today still Monday? OK, about eight hours until I opened up a sack o' teddies. (I don't do it often, but trust me, there was deep sugar hunger.)
And here's what came out. A clone train.
Ew. I've heard you don't really want to see how sausage is made because the gruesome reality will sicken you. That's not a problem for me because I know who my sausage makers are (and sometimes they're me) — voilà: unsickening, nay, delicious sausage.
But today. Gummi bratwurst? Hold the casing, but still...
Meaning I don't really want to know how gummi bears are made. I want to continue believing they are sprinkled out of happy clouds, raining down in all their rainbow colors right into the cellophane bags.
I don't want to think they are extruded, brat-style, or in whatever method they happened to end up in this obscene daisy chain.
If you are looking for a moral to this story, you are out of luck.


kudzu said...

Wow! Looks like a sugary caterpillar who rolled over and died. "Ew!" is right.

Just be glad some innocent child didn't come across it in his/her Easter basket.

Monkey Wrangler said...

Cookie they do come from clouds. It's just that this one is the equivalent of a softball sized piece of hail from a nasty thunderstorm. Stick to the gentle rain types in the future and you should be fine.

Or eat with your eyes closed......and no using that braile-reading tongue okay?

jeanne bee said...

oh my gawd..I think you've uncovered the first GMO gummies!

Melissa said...

wowie! It's a gummi baren totem pole.

ika nuryantika said...

Nice to meet you. Good job. Hmm so sweet

rob said...

Time to put your money where your mouth is, cookiecrumb, and eat this mutant beast. You cannot, after all, extoll the virtues of nose-to-tail eating after your meal at Incanto and then refuse to try this perfectly wonderful opportunity to indulge in nose-to-tail-to-nose-to-tail eating afforded by these gummies.

Dagny said...

I've had two stuck together but never three. *sigh* And now I must get gummi bears while I am out today because they are my all-time favorite candy.

mrsmogul said...

My Twizzlers' look like pulmonary arteries! Not a gummy person but eek that pic looks scary!

Tea said...

Come now, people. They are just co-joined triplets, worthy of your pity but not your scorn.

At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself, 'cause brat-style gummi bears are just gross.

Of course, now I've got the gummi bear munchies too.

cookiecrumb said...

Kudzu: Oh, any mothery mother would have 1) determined that Jasmine is easily scared by creepy gummis, or 2) decided that Jasper *loves* scary food.

MW: How did you know about my tongue? xxx

Jeanne: I apologize for my consuming tastes. Or do I mean consumption tastes? I'm pretty sure I don't have TB.

Melissa: Nicely put.

Ika: Thank you.

Rob: Oh, I did! Those babies went into my mouth as soon as I was sure the photo came out OK.

Dagny: I am so sorry I keep wrecking your diet. xx

Mrs Mogul: Hm. Candy. A failing many of us can own up to, even though, if you asked me, I'd say I seldom eat it... Wow.

Tea: Hah! See? Gotcha. xx

Cyndi said...

Ick. And tonight's dinner was a dish using cut-up bratwurst - which I realized, too late, should have been cut up AFTER they were cooked. Have you seen what the casings do when you're cutting them while they're uncooked? Anyway, I thought I'd pop in and say hello now that I'm back to food blogging. I came to you first because you always make me laugh.

Sam said...

just be careful of your teeth. I am thinking now it wasn't my tooth that broke in my saturday, but my crown. That is the second crown to break. Remember how much crowns cost a pop?

I am just warning ye

I could get you photgraphic evidence if you really want - but I am thinking you were not really serious.

dancingmorganmouse said...

I read somewhere, here in fact, ( that the reason people like gummy bears was because they have the same "feel" as the human ear lobe!

cookiecrumb said...

Cyndi: Nice to see you again. Believe it or not, I've already been to read your resumed blog (yesterday). I am concerned about your family's progress. And of course, I love to come and see what you're eating. Yes, I could think of a description for those rubbery, rolled-up cut casings!

Sam: I'm still not chewing on my new crown. So sorry you're having troubles!

DMM: OK, I'm completely speechless. Well, let me try...
Nope. Speechless. :D

Sean said...

It's so good to see another Gummi Bear addict. I don't have much of a tooth for candy, but Gummi Bears do something to me. Probably not something good. It's one of the reasons I keep going to Il Cantuccio -- they bring a little ramekin of the beasts at the end of the meal, which I hastily devour. Reds and greens get priority, followed by white and yellow. You know how I feel about orange.

And isn't "extruded" the worst food word ever?

Tea said...

Sean--you and I need to hang out more often! I don't like the green and red gummi bears, but orange and yellow are my favorites.

Had some last night (damn you, Cookiecrumb). No deformities to report, but it was a snack sized bag--the statistical probability is pretty low with such a small sample.

cookiecrumb said...

Sean: We seem to have a lot in common, including tidy grammar and tiny dogs. So where y'at on Skittles? The green ones -- straight into the trash. Though I do agree with you on the gummis. Give those crazy little white ones another chance. More subtle than green (apple) or red (generic red-candy flavor). What do you think; pineapple?

Tea: Perfect distribution with Sean! What a great solution. (Sorry I wrecked your diet. Ew.)

Anonymous said...

I rather enjoyed your story about the gummi bear.

I use to work in a candy factory and could tell you exactly how it happened but I don't want to ruin the whole story.

Thank you for giving me a good laugh!!!
I think kids would love to find bears like this one.

cookiecrumb said...

Anonymous: Thank YOU! It's so amazing that you stumbled across this post. I'd love to hear the deep industry secrets... And yes, I agree that kids would find this clone train hilarious. Merci.

Anonymous said...

I am doing research on "Trolli History" and Gummi Bears

check out

cookiecrumb said...

Anonymous: OK, I'll go take a look.