Take Five

The stovetop fairy paid a visit this morning. Actually, two burly men with charming demeanors and a sackful of power tools. That's my dream of a good fairy.
I can't believe we waited nearly five years to run a gas line into the kitchen. I've been cooking on a wobbly, uneven electric range all this time. It had the decency to have infinite settings on the knobs; no clunky clicks from Medium to Medium Hot, you just swooped in on any temperature.
But that's gone, and good bye. I don't even know how to use the new cooktop yet. Not too complicated, I suspect. Just a flick of the pilot, then dial up the flame of your choice.
Oh, and there's a low-simmer burner, and a high BTU one for setting bacon on fire. Choices! And there's, uh, wait. Count the knobs.
OMG.

Theme Park Restaurant, Pastrami Is an E-Ticket

This pastrami sandwich was really tasty, but I have to confess I removed about half the meat before eating. We'll think of something clever to do with it as soon as the appliance guys are out of the kitchen later this week.
The half sour pickle was a delight, coming across all innocent cucumber at first, and then killing you with garlic. And the cole slaw was so good, I wonder where to find the vial of happy drops they are surely adding.
An East Coast deli on the West Coast. Nice, but not all that hard to imagine. You just imitate, exactly, the best deli you've ever had in New York. But the decor? Also imitating New York, or your version of it. Tile and Formica. Goofy artwork on the walls. No pretensions (except to be a New York deli).
Look, guys. We all know we're in California. Couldn't there be a Wasabi Corner in the decor? A Shag You Conversation Pit somewhere? Tiki Tova's Pickle Hut?
No, because that would just be pretend. Made up. About as original as recreating a New-York style theme park for your restaurant.
I don't mind. My food was take-out, anyway.
And it was really good.

Miller's

I Got Scalloped

Scallops! I don't even like scallops, but apparently I do. Now and then. Once in a while.
So, of course, when I mentioned scallops to Cranky the other day, he dashed off and bought a passle.
They are so easy to cook. Sauté until goldy-brown on both sides, that ought to do ya. Don't be afraid of a little heat! We splattered ours with lemon juice, melted butter and capers, though I'm sure a more genteel sauce would be nice.
Best thing I have to tell you about, though, is that winter salad you can hardly see on the plate. Mandolined radishes, tiny white turnips, celery and fennel bulb. You just shave your salad.
Sorry I can't tell you what I'll be snacking on while watching the 49ers play the Giants in soaking rain this afternoon. It's not on the premises yet. Oh, hell, I'll blurt. It's going to be a pastrami sandwich, from a local NY-style deli. New York, I eat your lunch!

What We Did All Day

It was an amazingly successful live, online protest against a couple of poisonous Internet censorship acts up for votes in Congress.
In one day, several representatives slipped over into the "No" camp. Most of them Republican, and I am free of any rational explanation for that.
I hope you had a chance to read some of the screams and howls of schoolkids who depend on Wikipedia for "doing" their homework. Wikipedia was down for the day, so the kids' personal plagiarisms would be late.
Some Senator or Representative (sorry, tired) became very (officially) upset that Wikipedia had the audacity to shut itself down, complaining that it deprived citizens of a valuable resource (which is not funded by taxpayers, sheesh).
Ah, Mr. Congresscritter? Aren't YOU proposing censoring, by these laws, websites that you find icky? That don't funnel enough cash from the 99% in your general direction? Yes, then your creepy kids would not be able to copy their homework off the web, and you might be personally inconvenienced. Get your facts straight.
So what did we do all day? We drove the two-seater motor boat/double bed. Just drove it into happy land. Bartlett was a good passenger.

Gone Dark

Stop It, That Hirst

Don't go to the Gagosian gallery. Any of them, as a matter of fact. I have done you a favor and recreated a Damien Hirst Spot Painting, right here, for free.
Actually, I like my version better. Fresher, foolish.
How is it that major artists make a name for themselves, and then turn around and do paint by number? There is nothing original about Hirst's canvases (don't get me started on the sliced, pickled cows, for real). I believe he has an atelier of devoted, starving artists painting his polka dots for him.
Well, so. Here. I did this for you. For free.

Beautiful, Beastly Food

It's pretty, isn't it? Some roasting pan filled with gently singed vegetables.
Weird that all the vegetables are white, though. (I could tell you about my White Food years; no complaints from me.)
It was based on a dish I saw briefly on the Web, during the time of holiday recipe ideas. This was so unusual, at least to me, that I wanted to eat some. Of course I no longer had the recipe; story of my life.
Why was it so appealing? Because it's a combination of sweet potatoes, onions and apples. Baked. Yes, we all want sweet potatoes this time of year, but apples and onions? Too cool.
First surprise: The sweet potatoes, once peeled, were white-fleshed. First time for me. They are a little drabber, both in color and flavor, than the usual orange spuds. But they worked fine.
Second surprise: Apples with onions? I know, I've had apples with onions before, but in much stewier presentations, where the immediacy of the original sweet and savory orbs was disguised. Here, it was in your face. What a treat!
Third surprise: Actually, I made this part up myself. I tossed a few glugs of whole cream over the softening foodstuffs toward the end of the cooking time, covered the pan, and waited for a little magic to happen in the oven.
Magic accomplished!